Monday Morning Matrimony: The Honey-Do List

Okay, so you're married. The honeymoon is over. And now you have LIFE. And life is full of everyday mundane tasks. As a newlywed, I quickly learned the importance of "Honey-Do" lists. My husband is not always self-motivated to do chores & errands, and even more importantly - he's not a great mind-reader! After several bouts of disappointment because I felt like I was doing more than him in those departments, followed by his confusion at my disappointment - I figured out a few tips to make LIFE easier...

1. The LIST. It needs to be a written list (or typed) I have mentioned before that for scheduling we are now using a Google Calendar. There are ways you could share a to-do list digitally if that fits your lifestyle. But for me, it's quicker to jot a note on the fridge than to try to get to my computer to right it down. The point is: just making a mental list or mentioning things you'd like him to do while he playing the XBox... neither of those tactics work well. I find that women usually have an ongoing list in their brain - lists of different things all lined up and filed away, which we are able to access by just thinking about them. Men are more black and white in this area. If you write it down and give it to them - there is no confusion (or at least much less!)
2. Divide & Conquer by Strengths. At first, I just tried to divide what I thought he should do versus what I should do, etc. It turns out that we actually *enjoy (as much as you can enjoy chores) doing different things and it's important to find out who not only enjoys those chores more but who is better at them! This may sound strange, but my husband is really great at cleaning out the bathroom tub and tile. I mean - it's amazing! However, I am better at countertops and mirrors. At one point, I tried dividing the lists by rooms - that ultimately didn't make sense though. After years of marriage, here is how our list breaks down:
   Stephanie = Countertops, Dusting (with a mask for allergies), Mirrors, Toilets, Laundry, Collecting Trashbags from different areas and bundling, Pay Bills
   Dustin = Bathtubs, Vacuuming, Sweeping, Mopping, Taking out trash, Cats room (I have only cleaned the litter box like 3 times in about 6 years! He doesn't mind it!), Pet Shopping
   Both = Errands (as needed), Grocery Shopping (we love going together) & Dishes. We both hate doing dishes so the kitchen often gets neglected. It helps that we have decided whoever cooks - the other one cleans. Often that means just loading and starting the dishwasher. Then the other puts them away and vice-versa.
   THE POINT IS: Find what works for you. Don't just make sure the list is evenly divided. That's not the point. The point is to assign stuff that you both will be able to do on a regular basis and can keep up with.
3. Emphasis on the HONEY in the Honey-Do. It's gotten to the point now where we know our chores and do them. But for the times when there is extra going on and a list is needed, I like to add things in so it looks like
   "Give me kisses", "Pick up the dry cleaning", "Remember how much I love you", "Take the dog to the vet", "See me for our special handshake"...
   THE POINT IS: Mix in fun things so that it doesn't seem like you are 'telling him what to do'. It will not only come across better to him, it will help keep your attitude in check when making the list! If you make a point to add these fun things to the list, you will remember how much you love him! Don't be upset that you are having to make a list! We all have strengths and weaknesses. Just do it all out of love and I promise it will be reciprocated!!!

Looking for a great Honey-Do notepad?! We happen to have some great ones you can personalize! Come on over to Relish to create your own and remember to enjoy the journey!

Monday Morning Matrimony...Let's get Physical!

Many of you brides out there are probably working out and doing whatever you can to make sure you look great in your wedding dress. I was already in good shape when I got engaged, but I turned it up an extra notch for the big day. The only thing I wasn't prepared for was the "Married 15". I (rather quickly) gained 15 lbs after our "I Dos". Then, I started my own business and working 18 hour days only added the pounds.

I don't think it's all about the weight, but i do think it's all about how you FEEL! AND I personally would like to be around for a long time so I know I need to take care of myself.

There is one more big reason to be active... your love life! It's fun to chase each other, wrestle, tickle, piggy back rides, etc.But extra pounds can put a damper on play time. Spill that over to your intimate life and... well, it can have negative effects.

Here are some tips to fight the "Married 15":

1) Get cookin'! Cook some new healthy dishes! One of our favorite wedding gifts was Better Homes & Garden's Best Recipes Ever. We had so much fun that first year experiencing with new meals and finding our own family faves. There are healthy recipes in there - we just skimmed them. :) Look, don't try to make ALL 100% healthy meals. Cook lasagna one night, cook truck-stop potatoes one night. but spend the other 4-5 nights cooking something fun and HEALTHY! Mix it up, make it fun! Have red wine with the fish, make it romantic. If you are cooking it together, it will be fun! :)

2) Plan your meals! This is a big tip. When both of you work full-time - heck, even if you don't... Suddenly 5 o'clock sneaks up on you and you realize you don't know what you're making for dinner. The outcome can be either something quick and somewhat unhealthy OR even more likely for us - Fast food!! McDonald's is just around the corner from our house and I cringe to think of how much money we've given them over the past 5+ years. Plan your meals!! We plan a big meal on Sundays that can have leftovers for Dustin to take to work through the week so lunches don't come as a surprise.

3) You are what you drink! Drinks have been more of a weakness to me than food. I like Coke... no, I pretty much lust after it. Oh, and have you had the Cherry Dr. Pepper?! Okay... stay focused... these are NOT good for you! The funny thing is that they actually make me also want junk food to accompany them. I have done trials where the only thing I changed in my diet was cutting out the cokes and nothing else. No increase in exercise. And I lost weight! But don't just "cut out" - "add in"! Drink water! It's your friend! Dustin had problems getting used to drinking water so we started with a goal of just 1 bottle of water a day. Just try it - take the challenge! I promise you'll feel better!

4) Exercise... Again, start in small doses if it's not part of your regular life. It doesn't have to mean joining a gym. Take walks together - how sweet that can be! OR... a favorite new way of exercise - the Wii!!! Play a few Wii tennis matches a day! ***Disclaimer: If you are competitive, play on a team together! That's what we have to do! ;)

5) Sleep!!! Get on a good sleep regimen. Sleep helps your body recover, it helps you process food and it gives you energy so you don't have those sugar cravings!!

6) Don't make excuses! I have made excuses for years! While you should NOT feel condemned or ashamed of your current fitness level - don't accept the excuses for being unhealthy! Today is a new day! Start NOW! Just a little at a time!

7) Be accountable! Hold each other accountable to your goals! Do NOT be negative, but be each other's cheer leaders!! Encouragement for even the small steps is so important!!! Don't forget to encourage each other - you are both going to benefit in the end.

I am so determined to get healthy and make our marriage / love life great! We are going to go on a cruise in October! So, today I am setting a goal to lose 25 pounds in the next 12 weeks. I will post updates each Monday to keep me accountable! I'm going to use Calorie Count to help me track my progress. (I love this FREE online tool!) Okay girls (and boys) - what do you say?! Let's relish getting physical!

Monday Morning Matrimony: Put the iPhone down and step slowly away from the Facebook...

... or video game / Twitter / work, etc...

The truth is we are living in the Communication Age. Everyone is so easily connected, maybe TOO connected... (pardon me as I sound like an old man in a rocking chair for a minute) When I was little, cell phones only came as bricks and only rich people had them. Video games were Atari and then finally Nintendo Mario Brothers was groundbreaking! And most importantly, NO INTERNET.

I recently watched the movie GrownUps and a big point of the movie were how the kids didn't even know how to skip rocks, because they were so tuned in to the digital age. Look, I LOVE technology. If it weren't for technology, I wouldn't have a job! However, technology in itself has really become the 12th man on the field of our lives! Sadly, we rely so much on that fan appeal in our lives now - what everyone else is saying and doing. It pushes us in different directions, sometimes good, often times bad.

Reports are now coming out about how many marriages Facebook has helped break up. Look, I am not one to blame video games, TV & music for everything that goes wrong with kids. So, I'm not going to blame Facebook in itself for ruining marriages. I believe we all have a personal responsibility in life and we are the ones that allow those things into our world. However, in today's world, with everything (and everyone) so easily accessible, it's easier than ever to stray ever so slowly down the wrong course. And it's not just marriage at stake, it's all our relationships, including those with our children. Have you seen this scenario? Kids in front of TV / video games, teenagers on Facebook, parents in other room on laptop working? It's a scenario in thousands of people's lives daily. Again, I LOVE technology! But, I also know where my priorities must lie if I want to have a successful marriage!

So, what's the answer? That's not easy... I think for everyone, it is going to be different depending on what your real issue is. Personally, I had a Facebook addiction. I didn't feel addicted, yet I checked my home page and tracked people's statuses every few hours. I got entangled in many controversial talks (which you then obsess over - to see what people have said about what you said..). It was just a real distraction to me for work. I also found I was relying on Facebook to communicate with friends. This is good what it has allowed us to do, to reconnect with old friends! BUT, for friends that live here in the same city... Facebook does not equal a real relationship. It shouldn't substitute for real dinners and game nights, etc. Anyway, I took a 1-month leave from Facebook last month. It was challenging, but after the first week - the tremors started to go away. :) haha In all honesty, it was a GREAT month! I felt more energized and got so much more done! It was honestly very surprising to me. So now, I use Facebook sparingly and only for fun random comments. I delete friends if they are too annoying and not really my friends in real life. I am OWNING my online life again! :)

However, I still have another issue... It's called WORK. I own 2 businesses and because of that, I work all hours of the day. I can't tell you how many times I've told my husband "I'll be done in just a few minutes..." Three hours later, he's asleep in bed and I'm still working away. We are working on addressing this problem right now. I can make excuses for it all day long, about how I HAVE to do this because I am building my businesses. Or that it will only be for a short time that I have to work like this. Etc, etc. The truth is - that's not a good excuse. There is NO good excuse. If we give excuses now, there is no reason for us to ever stop. There HAS to be boundaries in our life. It's not easy when nearly everyone you know is living the same way as you are - it seems like you are normal. But, you need to get control of your priorities and you need to do it NOW. In the end, work will get done. Maybe we just need to make better use of our days! So, Dustin & I are working on my "bedtime" now - yes, like a child. ;)

Now, to be fair.. on the other end - his issue is Video Games!! Not XBox so much, but World of Warcraft (an online computer gaming craze) I used to be referred to as a WOW Widow. (there is an actual support group online for spouses who have real issues with their spouse playing the game non-stop) Dustin & I came up with a solution for this years ago. I think it's important that we both have our own time, so he has "Gaming nights" set aside. Right now, it's Sunday, Monday & Tuesdays 7:00 - 10:00. See, I know how to plan! And, I know I can work late those nights! (yes, sad that work is my hobby! ;))

Anyway, the point I am making is that in my marriage - we are actually working hard on taking the right steps now to insure that we have a great marriage of communication, instead of over-communicating with the rest of the world. Because the one thing you MUST know is that once you are married...

Your spouse is and will always be the #1 most important relationship in your life

If you can understand that and hold on to that, prioritize that, you will be able to work it out - as long as you are both willing. Setup boundaries / goals for yourselves. Use the schedule calendar we talked about a few weeks ago!

And I will leave you with my one suggestion: Take one day a week and turn it all off! Unless it is something you are doing together (a movie, video game, etc) - shut it down! Every Saturday, we are turning it off to have quality time with each other. Even when the phone rings... that is what voicemail is for! It's just one day a week! You can do it. You will be surprised on how much time you have to do other things. Go outside! Play board games together! Have dinner with friends!

Take one day every week to unplug and recharge!

 It will make your marriage more fun. Trust me! :) Relish your time together - those are the real moments that will build your relationship and give you a foundation for the rest of your lives!

Monday Morning Matrimony: Communication & Calendars

After years of dating and marriage, one issue my hubby & I are still overcoming is miscommunication, especially when it comes to our schedule. Here's how the conversation goes... ME: "We need to leave here by 5:45" HIM: "Why?!" ME: "To get to Mindy's house by 6" HIM: "WHAT?!" or.... ME: "So what movie are we seeing tomorrow night?" HIM: "I think Mark wants to see Transformers" ME: "Mark??? Mark's going with us?" HIM: "Yes, that is who we have plans with" ME: "No...we have plans with Keith & Kelly for dinner and then a movie. Remember?" Now... to be fair, both of us make mistakes in the communication. It's just that from my point of view, it's usually him. :) haha

So... what can we do? There are a few great suggestions when it comes to our schedules. 

1) Do not commit to any plans without checking with your spouse. This is good practice for many reasons. The first one is that it establishes verbal communication that you are planning something. Secondly, while Dustin & I usually are okay with the plans each other makes, it's not good to get in a habit with not checking with what your spouse wants to do. What if they have a surprise night planned for you? What if they just need a day off? What if they are sick of seeing the person? :) Whatever the reason may be, it's only fair to consult with them before planning their days. This will help you remain respectful of each other in many areas of your relationship - if you just start here. Just say this sentence... "That sounds great! Just let me check with ______"

2) Keep a joint calendar. I have a calendar for all my Relish work meetings, appointments, etc. But Dustin and I have realized we need a joint calendar. The solution for us is a Google calendar. You can share them between as many people as you want and each person can add to the calendar. This way, we have one place to look to see what's going.

3) Schedule dates! Now that you are keeping a joint calendar, why not put on the schedule "cuddle night - just us" or something sweet. That way, when they check the calendar, they will see that and it will be like a little love note. It's also so important to remember to schedule dates for just the two of you to do something special. Schedule it though, otherwise you may end up spacing out to the TV while he plays video games. That's fine sometimes, but it's not nurturing your relationship. Think of it this way - when you go out with friends, you are investing in your frienships. Shouldn't you do the same for the most important relationship you have?

4) Lastly - Learn to say NO. It's great to be social, but we all need down time and time for ourselves. Don't be afraid to say NO. People will understand. Well, not everyone will understand, but you can serve as an example for them. My dear friend Leeann started say no awhile ago. I admit that I didn't always understand, but it served as an example to me. She's a great person with a great heart. I knew she loved me and loves to spend time with us, so her ability to say no wasn't personal - just a confident woman knowing her priorities - knowing not to overbook. People will get used to it and may follow your lead (like I have finally)

I hope these tips help! Enjoy each other, enjoy your friends and enjoy your schedules!!!

Monday Morning Matrimony: Money Talks

Two weeks ago on Monday Morning Matrimony, we discussed the importance of premarital counseling. One of the most important things I got from our counseling sessions was the importance of talking about money. I only wish we would have applied all that advice back then, but alas sometimes you must "learn things the hard way".

Dustin & I were taught different things about money, but in truth I don't believe either of us were taught near enough. That's not a bash to our families but to society as a whole. It is commonplace to be living a life you truly can't afford - to be swimming in debt, holding your breath, waiting for the big life saver to come around. There are so many great things I would like to use this blog to tell you, so many things I myself have yet to truly learn. But out of all these things the most important thing is this: COMMUNICATION! You & your spouse need to talk openly about money because money will be talking to you!

I am about to share something very personal with you in hopes it helps you avoid a similar mistake. In our family, I am the one that handles the books, primarily because I am the business owner and already handle the business books, so it all runs together. During the past few years, we have had our financial "ups and downs" and a few years ago, there were times when I would just not share with Dustin how bad the "down" was. He was trying to find a job and I didn't want him to feel worse, so I kept it to myself. In the end, it caused me to resent him and caused me to feel all alone with my burden. Dustin knows about this and how it effected us and we have long moved on. But it was a very difficult challenge that newlyweds shouldn't have to go through. I made a mistake because I was ill-equipped with how finances work and how to handle them. I thought "it will be so much better next month that he doesn't need to know about this month". But the next month was worse. (bills have a tendency to snowball - it's up to you how that snowball goes) Now, I know that sharing the "downs" means I have someone else to bounce ideas off of. The other important part of that is that Dustin needs to be interested in it. Finances on a regular basis don't seem exciting. A Budget is anything but fun. But the end result of financial freedom will be enjoyed by both, so it's only fair that you share the whole journey together. So no matter how difficult it is... no matter if you went out and overspent the credit card... TALK. We all make mistakes, especially with money. Don't let those mistakes put up a wall between you and your spouse. The top 2 reasons for divorce are Financial Problems and Communication issues - tie these 2 together and you're just setting yourself up for trouble. I want our financial future to be amazing, so we need to set up a great foundation.

So now that you know my personal story of what I've learned, here are some tips for newlyweds (and engaged couples) to pave the way for their financial future.

1) Check your credit report. This can be a scary thing and again - not fun. But you'll be surprised at what you might find and you can use this to clean it up and prepare for a house. Get a credit report that shows you the reports for all 3 credit reporting agencies. Our personal preference is www.equifax.com

2) Set aside an emergency fund. We all have surprises in life. Why let a surprise change your course? The recommended minimum for an emergency fund is $1000. But every little bit helps!

3) Pay down debt. I wanted to pay off the highest interest debt first, but I now realize the importance in starting with the smaller debts - it really does work like a snowball. Also - if you are having a hard time paying credit cards, call the card companies. They will often settle for 50% or LESS of what you owe. Many credit companies are in major trouble these days and are more than happy to work out a settlement with you. I suggested this to a friend and she now has all her cards paid off! DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK! Don't let pride get in the way either. Start over, learn from your mistakes and move on. Also, it shows as a paid debt on your credit report so you come out looking much better than someone who pays late or is holding large debts.

4) BUDGET. Make a list of what all is coming in and what all is going out. You may be surprised to see what your fiance really makes / spends. And vice-versa. We tend to live with our heads in the sand, but learning where you are helps you get to where you need to be. Make a budget and learn to live like a king! Wisdom is power!

5) Wait before you buy. Oh, how I can attest to this. Sometimes it seems like we just HAVE to have something now. And it's not always as silly as a new dress. Sometimes we think we must get a newer car because our mechanic says we need $2500 repair on our current car. Well, first of all - get a second opinion. Secondly, think it over long and hard. If it really is going to be $2500, how much is your car worth? Also, how much do you owe? How much would you have to spend on a replacement car. Take ALL of these things into consideration. Do your research and sleep on it. Recently, my printer died and I thought I had to buy an exact replacement immediately. I looked up a comparable replacement and it was going to cost $500 (the original printer was $550) I decided to sleep on it and save my money. After taking emotion out of it, I ended up finding what I needed for $150. But then I did more research and found it on sale online (for new) with a warranty for $103 (after shipping). Trust me. AT LEAST give yourself the 48 hour rule. You will survive without a printer (it's not easy, but possible). You will survive carpooling to work. You will survive. I'm not saying there aren't emergencies, but if they are no life-threatening... be creative and don't let your situation dictate your bank account.

6) Daydream about retirement NOW. I know it may seem crazy and so far away, but if you can think of that as the ultimate goal now, it will change how you make your decisions. For instance, I want to retire by 50, so that would set me on a course for the next 17 years instead of 33. It also gets you thinking about IRAs and smart investing. It is not too early to think about those things.

7) DAVE RAMSEY. I could have simply said "Seek financial counseling" but this simple name seemed appropriate. You may not agree with everything he says, but he knows what he is talking about. He has changed so many peoples' lives. I encourage you to at least read his book "Financial Peace University". Read it together (or at the same time). Get on the "same page" with the idea of financial freedom!

Check out more great tips at www.daveramsey.com

8) And don't forget my tip: COMMUNICATE!!! It's never as bad as you think it is. There is always a new day tomorrow and you can help dictate what that day looks like... together.

Monday Morning Matrimony: Premarital Counseling - Is it for you?

Welcome to our first edition of our bi-weekly blog - Monday Morning Matrimony! This is a time to focus less on the planning for the big day and more on the planning for the big LIFE! Let's get started with our first topic which still falls into the "planning" stage: Premarital Counseling... is it for you?

Before you say "I do", should you and your fiance get premarital counseling? There are a lot of people who misunderstand the purpose of premarital counseling. It's not to 'make sure you want to do this', it's not to tell you "life is going to be a lot different", and in most cases it's not even about religion. The point of premarital counseling is to help you both TOGETHER set a couple extra blocks to the foundation of your marriage. Studies have shown that premarital counseling can decrease your chance of divorce by up to 30%! And, I have to be honest - for us, it was also FUN! 

During these economic times, many people are opting for small weddings, quickie weddings or even eloping. If you don't have a "traditional marriage", you may not have a pastor who requires you to go through these sessions. However, in my opinion, it's something EVERYONE should do! 

Dustin & I had been dating for just about 3 years before he proposed and we had a 7 month engagement so I felt very confident at that point, that we knew all there was to know about each other. The funny thing is - I was way wrong! Our counselor asked us questions on specific life situations we hadn't even thought of. Every couple daydreams about how many kids they want, names of those kids, etc. But few couples talk about how they would respond to specific child discipline situations. Now, I know what you're thinking... who cares? We can think about that stuff later. But it is not just about the kids, it's about your unique differences in perspective. These things are important to talk about NOW so that you can LAUGH about them with a counselor instead of arguing about them post-honeymoon. 

The biggest help for us personally was the in-depth discussion on finances. Since our sweet wedding day, we have had financial ups and downs in life that have come with both the times of the economy and with job losses, etc. I truly believe that those significant conversations we had in those sessions helped us set a tone and understand each other on such a deeper level that when those challenges have come, we have been able to approach them as a team instead of two individuals who do not understand each other.

Counseling sessions usually focus on 7 areas: compatibility, expectations, personalities as well as families of origin, communication, conflict resolution, intimacy and sexuality and lastly, long-term goals.

The BEST part of premarital counseling? With the right person, it really is FUN! We were fortunate to have our sessions with our Associate Pastor and he made it so much fun. In wedding planning, let's be honest and say that MOST brides do the majority of the planning for the big day. So it was a way that we took time to be together and focus on what the big day really was about - the rest of our lives together. We got to do this wonderful thing together and it was an amazing part of our engagement experience!

So WHO should YOU get premarital counseling from? The first place most readily available to couples is the pastor or associate pastor in your church. However, if you don't have a minister or do not have a church affiliation, no worries. It is still something you should look into! There are lots of great marriage counselors out there with lots of great premarital counseling techniques. Do your research (get referrals) and find the one that is right for YOU! In fact, in some cases, you may be required to take your church's premarital counseling sessions, but maybe you don't feel close to your counselor or you didn't get much out of it. I encourage you to find someone else out there to get additional counseling from! 

IF YOU HAVE ELOPED... or have had a quickie wedding and did not get the counseling, it's not too late! Again, the point of counseling is not to talk you out of marriage or to see if you really should get married. It is simply to help prepare you for the wonderful journey ahead. It would be a great way to start your marriage!!! I recommend finding someone to take you through the sessions! Studies have shown that these sessions are the most beneficial either before the wedding or within the first 6 months of marriage so don't delay!

In the end, the sad truth is 50% of marriage end in divorce these days. And I'd say in most of those marriages (minus the arranged / green card / forced situations) - I guarantee people didn't think they would be one of the statistics on the wrong side of that 50%. And like I said in the first paragraph, studies have shown that premarital counseling helps decrease your chance of divorce by up to 30%!!!! How awesome is that!! So what are you waiting for? It should be an educational FUN part of your wedding journey! RELISH it! ;)

See you in a couple weeks for our next topic "Money Matters".